
Chances are, if you know my sister Freda, then you have either met, seen, or at least heard of Baby Umi. For those of you outside the loop, Umi is Freda’s baby monkey. Not a real monkey, mind you -- a toy monkey. A toy orangutan, to be exact.
Let me give you the backstory...
Freda has always loved monkeys and anything monkey-related. For example, she can break into the “Baby Monkey Riding Backwards on a Pig” song from YouTube without hesitation. She’s always prattled on about how she would love to have a “mon-kid” -- a monkey that one dresses up as a child and then feeds copious amounts of sugar, usually pushed around in a perambulator or other ambulatory device. It’s a little odd, I know, but that’s my sister’s sense of humor.
The catchy "Baby Monkey" song
So this past November, when it was Freda’s birthday, my assistant Kelly and I decided to surprise her with a visit from one of the local entertainers who has a monkey named Hobo. Hobo is a little organ grinder’s monkey who Freda and I met four years ago at the Embarcadero Tree Lighting Event here in San Francisco. He was the cutest thing you ever did see, and he actually let Freda shake his tiny hand. Freda was literally vibrating after her encounter with the little fella, and would have stayed by his side all day if she had not been called away to her duty as a face painter.
Hobo the monkey, doing his monkey thing
Unfortunately, Kelly and my attempts were thwarted when we discovered some very sad news: Hobo had retired. Evidently he was living out his days in the trees at an animal refuge center in San Carlos. We were both very sad. The closest thing that any of our other vendors had to offer was a man in a moth-eaten monkey suit -- not quite the effect we were striving for. What to do? My sister’s birthday was rapidly approaching and we were monkeyless...
Desperately, I searched the web, and that’s where I discovered Umi.
Umi is actually one of at least a dozen infant apes that you can purchase from the high-end doll company, Ashton Drake. This leads me to believe that maybe my sister’s affections aren’t quite as quirky as I first believed them to be. I mean, seriously -- high-end monkey dolls dressed as babies? Who knew there was such a market?
After screening my options, I decided upon Umi as she was less vile than the other candidates, and had a cute little impish (or should I say “chimpish”?) quality to her that made her slightly less terrifying than the others. The only issue was that Umi wouldn’t arrive for another four weeks. I guess the dolls aren’t actually produced until someone orders one, which is probably smart... Who wants a warehouse full of preemie orangutans staring out from behind their boxes’ cellophane windows? I just get this weird image of “Planet of the Apes” meets “Chuckie”...
So our birthday plans were shelved and I focused my attention on Christmas. I have to admit, it was hard to keep the secret once Umi arrived in our office. Luckily the UPS delivery came on a day when Freda was at the dentist, so she missed the flurry of torn paper and cardboard, and the screams of delight/horror that filled the office. Kelly was immediately grossed out, and insisted that I removed the monkey from the office! I quickly spirited Umi away and wrapped her for her special reveal.
On Christmas, we saved Umi for the last present of the day, and it garnered exactly the response I expected. Let me preface this by first saying that my entire family is a bit twisted; the biggest sigh of joy ever released by my mother on a Christmas morning was the year my father gave her a beautifully mounted Africa stag beetle. You would have thought he’d wrapped up the Hope diamond...

Umi was immediately hugged, prodded, undressed, redressed, tossed into the air, and enlisted in a photoshoot within moments of her great reveal. She was given a place at the breakfast table, and immediately began pestering our father and the cat. It was as I had feared: my sister had infused her devilish personality into the little rubber-faced monkey. There was now a mischievous glint in those glass doll eyes...
Umi now goes everywhere with Freda. She comes to work (even though my warehouse doesn’t have an adequate childcare facility), she goes to the beach, she goes on bike rides, she goes shopping, she even goes on vacation with my sister and her very skeptical fiancé Coire. In fact, Umi is being featured in a portrait that my sister is having painted for her wedding, giving Frida Kahlo a serious run for her money.

The kicker came when my sister set up a Pinterest account, and set up a board dedicated to Umi. Within an hour Umi had been repinned 22 times. By the time Freda had turned in for the night, she had over 120. Umi was blowing up Pinterest! It leaves me with just one thought... maybe my sister is the sane one...
















































